Tag Archives: Stress Reduction

Ask Ellen Anmuth, Psychotherapist: Coping With Financial and Health Stress

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This article series addresses questions from emails. Today’s topic is “Coping With Financial and Health Stress”.

Anthony from Brooklyn, New York writes: Dear Ellen Anmuth, Psychotherapist: I am a waiter, and have to share an apartment with another guy, because I cannot afford a rental on my own. I am 21 years old, and wish I could afford my own place. I would like to go to school at night, to get a BA in Criminology, but I do not know how I could afford it. Any ideas how to cope with this stress and worry? I am having trouble sleeping.

Ellen Anmuth, Psychotherapist: Anthony, I can understand how financial stress can affect your life. However, the positive that I read in your email is that you have a desire to go to school to study Criminology. Have you identified a school that you would like to attend? In the New York City area, there are likely many colleges that offer that training. Perhaps you could contact the Admissions Office, and inquire about any student advisory services that may be able to help. In addition, there are usually financial aid departments, who may know of scholarships to help you get through school.

Regarding your sleep problems, anxiety and depression can cause sleep disturbances. If you contact the Social Services Department of any local hospital, they will be able to provide a list of agencies that offer counseling at a sliding scale to help you learn to manage the stress more effectively. I know many people who have had jobs and have also gone to school at night. As a waiter, perhaps you could attend day classes, and wait tables at night? If you are creative and flexible, you can create a schedule that works well for you. Keep the vision of your goal, and that will help you through the stressful moments. Also, if you contact Police Departments, they may have ideas of how you might find scholarships for your education.

Beverly in Colorado writes:  Dear Ellen Anmuth, Psychotherapist: I am trying to cope with an elderly mother who is declining. She is 72 years old, and is dealing with a new diagnosis of Leukemia. I am fearful of the course of this illness, and how I might cope with this, and be of help to her.

Ellen Anmuth, Psychotherapist:  Beverly, there is a national organization called “The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society”, and their website is LLS.org.  They provide information regarding  Leukemia and other blood cancers. Experts are available by phone who you could speak with to learn more about this disease. They also know about  community resources  to help you cope better with the stress of this illness in your family.  Good luck with this challenging issue. Make sure that if you are a caregiver of your Mom, you also find time to take care of yourself.

5 Quick & Simple Happiness Habits for Busy People

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Have you ever been so busy that you forget to center yourself, relax, de-stress and reach for a moment of happiness? Why did I use the expression, “reach for a moment of happiness”?

I think that feelings of happiness are transitory, as are all feelings, such as sadness, anxiety or anger, for example. Why not increase the moments of happiness, and decrease the other stressful feelings? Here are some quick and simple happiness habits for busy people:

1) Every so often, when your focus of attention is outside yourself–on another person or on a project or activity– do a “check-in”. Ask yourself, “What am I feeling?” and “What am I thinking?”

2) Take in a deep breath in while you do step #1, and on the exhale, release as many stressful feelings and thoughts that you can. Repeat this a few times.

3) Take a “60 Second Vacation”. That means to allow stressful thoughts and feelings to be suspended for 60 seconds, while you allow your thoughts and feelings to drift to a pleasant memory or peaceful image.

4) Then ask yourself, “What can I do now to nurture myself in this moment?” Perhaps you need some water or something healthy to eat, such as fruit. Perhaps you skipped lunch, and need a healthy meal. Perhaps you are exhausted, and need to rest for a longer time. If you have evaluated a situation that bothers you, maybe you have realized that you have no control over the issue that is flooding through your mind. Or, you may decide that you do have some control over an issue. If so, write down some ideas about a plan of action to address the current issue that is draining you. We usually feel better when we identify a draining issue and set up an action plan.

5) Do a Gratitude Exercise. Take a few moments to list in your mind, or write down the things you are grateful for. This has been proven to reduce stress and increase a sense of peace and happiness.

 

Ask Ellen Anmuth, Psychotherapist: Reduce Stress in College

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“Ask Ellen Anmuth, Psychotherapist”  is a series of blog entries by Ellen Anmuth MS, MSW, LCSW,  a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. Select emails will be answered which may appeal to a broad audience.

This blog does not replace mental health counseling services, and I strongly recommend seeking the help of local licensed mental health providers when indicated. The Social Work Services Department of most hospitals can be a helpful referral source, especially if financial need is an issue.

This article will deal with two different topics from Sharon in Texas and  Don in California.

Sharon S. from Texas: “I find myself seeking approval from my family. They tend to be very controlling and critical, and I am afraid to make a decision that they may not approve of”.

Ellen Anmuth MS, MSW, LCSW: Sharon, I see that you are 20 years old, and living at home while attending community college. This can be a difficult period of life for you, in terms of a concept called, “separation-individuation”. You are in a period of life that some therapists call “The Young Adult Transition”. There are certain developmental tasks in each period of adult life, and stress can result when our inner compass differs from parents’ views.  Do you have friends you can relate to, and who share your values? What type of things do your parents disapprove of?  Are you engaging in any dangerous activity that would support their concern, or do you feel that their controlling behavior is related to treating you like a teenager, rather than a young adult? Sometimes, if parents have a difficult time adjusting to an adult child’s need for separation and individuation, conflict can emerge. Perhaps there might be counseling services through the community college, where you may be able to meet with a licensed therapist in person, to better evaluate the situation and guide you through your options and coping strategies.

Don M. from California: “I am pre-med, and so anxious about my tests that I can’t concentrate to study, and my grades are suffering. Do you have any ideas how I can study when I have so much anxiety about failing?”

Ellen Anmuth MS,MSW, LCSW:  Don, this is a question that so many others have asked me. I have an Education degree, and was an Assistant Professor of Family Medicine, teaching  medical students and doctors about psychology and education. I developed a technique to help people deal with test anxiety that was blocking their concentration. Try this: Take a sheet of paper, and make two columns: 1) The advantages of holding onto the feeling of anxiety, and 2) The disadvantages of holding onto the feeling of anxiety.  Fill out both columns quickly, writing the first things that come to mind. You will see a pattern, which will reveal information that may provide some insight. You may find that there is no logical “advantage” of holding onto the feeling of anxiety! That realization helps us to compartmentalize it away, at least temporarily, in order to concentrate.

Another useful technique is to make a “contract” with yourself, that every day, from 8pm-10pm you will study the course material that worries you the most. Do an “imagery exercise”: Imagine putting the feeling of anxiety in a box that you can put away (metaphorically speaking). You may imagine putting a box with your anxiety on a shelf in your closet, where you can close the door, so that with your anxiety “away” for the few hours, you can focus on the subject matter. After 2 hours, if you want to find that box, open it up, and experience the feeling of anxiety again, you can. You have that control. However, after 2 hours of focused study, you may find that the anxiety can stay in the closed box, and that you feel more confident and relaxed!  In fact, you may decide to throw that black box with anxiety out into the trash, rather than keep it on your closet shelf. This is a guided imagery exercise, which may be helpful. With incremental hours of successful concentration, you will feel more in control, and more confident about passing your tests.

Emotions: When we “Feel” Them, we Can “Heal” Them

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What could be the first step in managing emotions?

There are many approaches to handling our feelings more effectively. What could be the first, most logical step? The answer may appear elementary, but it is as follows:  Notice what you are feeling in any given moment!

This seems simple, yet the popular culture seems to send a message that it is not OK to feel. When was the last time someone said, “How are you?”, and you said, “Fine”, when you may have been feeling anger, sadness, fear or some other emotion? The tendency to deny, repress or avoid emotions is widespread.

Anger, sadness, fear, guilt, shame, hopelessness, and the myriad of other feelings that we experience can overwhelm us, in my opinion, because we have not been taught how to effectively manage them.

When you feel emotions, do you reach for a drink, or open the refrigerator when not really hungry? If you are angry or irritable, do you find that you might interact with someone else with more impatience or hostility?

In 1985, I took a course on how to manage feelings. We were instructed to observe our feelings, and attempt to bring them up, rather than try to avoid them. One technique we were taught was to drive our cars without turning on the radio. (Back then, there were no cell phones or other devices to distract.)

That is not so easy! Try to drive your car in silence, and notice when you have an urge to turn on the radio. Does that happen after you have an unpleasant emotion or thought?

Managing emotions is a complex process, and yet, avoiding the tendency to deny them is the first step. Yes, the first step to healing feelings is to, in fact, FEEL THEM.

Action Tips:

1) Keep a log or journal or your emotions, and what usually happens before you have the feeling.

2) Notice what you do after you connect with the unpleasant feeling. Do you reach for food, alcohol, or drugs?

3) Have a conversation with friends and family, and if they are receptive, have a discussion about recommended methods to manage emotions in a healthy way.

Update–March 2014…..For those readers who first read this entry last year, have you kept a log of your emotions related to events in your life? An “event” could be an “internal event” or an “external event”. What do I mean by that? An external event is something that happens within your environment, such as a person speaking to you in a harsh manner, finding out about a death in the family, etc. On the other hand, an internal event is something that happens within you, such as a thought, feeling, memory, flashback, or some other experience within yourself. It may be helpful to begin to better discern when an “internal event” causes another “internal event”. For example, if you suddenly have a flashback of an unpleasant experience, you may find yourself having an internal dialogue that is self critical. Then you may feel sadness or guilt. How do you turn around this escalating spiral of negativity? Often, this happens unconsciously. Practice being more aware, by asking yourself, “What am I feeling now?”, or “What am I thinking now?” From this type of inner awareness, you may be able to manage your emotions more effectively.— Ellen Anmuth, MS, MSW, LCSW, Licensed Psychotherapist, Genetic Counselor, and Founder of “The Language Of Solutions” Self Improvement and Wellness Programs.

 

 

“The Secret of Talking is Listening”: A Hollywood Line, or Good Advice?

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The Secret of Talking is Listening“The Secret of Talking is Listening”. This is a quote from the film with Matt Damon and Scarlett Johannson called “We Bought a Zoo”.

Flipping through TV channels today, I heard this line in the middle of this movie. I was intrigued with a film writer’s idea of effective communication.

Is this good advice?  Sure…listening is always important. However, this film line fails to encompass the broader complexities of effective communication, conflict resolution or healthy relationships.

The film writer, I suspect, is using semantic shorthand to correlate the notion of of “talking” with “communication”. However, listening is only one aspect of effective communication.

Other “secrets” of good communication are patience, managing emotions, clarifying misunderstandings, using solution focused, objective language, being aware of tone of voice and non-verbal behavior, such as eye rolls and sighs that convey disgust, and the use of techniques such as “paraphrase” and “reflection of feeling”, just to touch the surface of some strategies and  elements of healthy and effective interpersonal communication.

Yes, a Hollywood film writer seemed to have collapsed a highly complex series of interpersonal transactions into a sound bite, “The Secret of Talking is Listening”.  “Listening” is simply one essential and fundamental aspect of increasing the probability that an interpersonal communication event will leave both parties feeling satisfied.

Perhaps it is not a figure of speech for the film writer to write: The Secret of Talking is Listening”. Have effective communication skills and techniques been kept a “secret”?  Have school systems in elementary school and secondary school given our children enough classes in this subject of effective communication, conflict resolution, managing emotions, managing anger, and using solution-focused communication?

I believe it is time to stop keeping these skills and techniques a “secret”, and have public school systems, colleges and adult education courses teach the basics of interpersonal communication and conflict resolution, anger management, and staying connected even when communication conflict gives us the feeling that we want to either run away or attack.

ACTION STRATEGIES:

1) Notice how you respond when you feel misunderstood or hurt during a conversation. Do you tend to use attack language, or do you detach, not telling the other person why you are upset?

2) How do you listen? What are the elements of effective listening skills?

3) Do you know how to use techniques such as “Paraphrase” and “Reflection of Feeling” during interpersonal communication?

4) If you feel that effective communication skills and techniques have been kept “secret” from you, take steps to learn new skills and techniques to apply during a moment of interpersonal communication difficulty or breakdown. This could improve your personal relationships, professional relationships, your stress reduction plan and your overall health.

 

Over-Eating and Feelings: Weight Loss Strategies

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Do you find that you over-eat when you are upset? This is a very common problem. What does “upset” really mean?

It means having feelings such as anger, sadness, fear, guilt, shame, hopelessness, helplessness, and…the list is very big.

Do you ever notice yourself over-eating, and glazed over watching TV while eating a bag of chips or pretzels, not being aware of eating 8 portions?

How do we get control of automatic over-eating?

Action Strategies:

1) If you find yourself opening the pretzel cabinet, or standing in front of the refrigerator, ask yourself, “What am I feeling now?”, and “Am I biologically hungry, or simply yearning to change my mood?”

2) Close the cabinet or refrigerator door, go to your desk in  another room, and write down an issue that is making you sad, scared or angry. Then write down all the feelings about these issues.

3) Then, close your eyes, take a deep breath, and take a few minutes to either listen to soft music, or simply let your mind wander. It also helps to give yourself positive messages of support and compassion.

4) Re-alert gently, and ask yourself, “Am I still biologically hungry?” If the answer is yes, ask yourself what type of food would nourish your body. Then, go to the kitchen, and select the healthy foods best suited to soothing your body’s needs. At this time, after relaxing and identifying your feelings, you are most likely to eat slower and make healthier selections.

 

Frustration, Grief and Stress Management

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Stress Management is a broad term. Moment to moment, we encounter inner thoughts, past memories and current environmental triggers. This article will focus on the experience of Frustration, and the feeling of Grief that often “hides below” the frustration.

What do I mean by “hides below” the feeling of frustration? This is a figure of speech, rather than a true psychological term. Have you ever been very frustrated over an issue that you cannot change or control, and then began to cry, or feel sadness?

Feelings of frustration and grief are often experienced together, but usually not at the same time. For example, if you love someone who has a destructive tendency, you may feel frustrated that you cannot change or influence that person’s behavior. If you dig a little deeper, you may find that you also are very sad, as well. Ironically, the best way to manage a feeling is to first identify it and acknowledge that it exists, rather than repress or deny it. We tend to feel sad and angry when we perceive that we have little or no control over a situation.

Helpful Strategies to Manage Frustration:

1) Become aware of the issue that bothers you, and acknowlege the feeling of frustration, and loss of control over the situation.

2) Ask yourself if you are also sad about that. If yes, take out a piece of paper and finish the sentence, “I feel sad about this situation because….”

3) Ultimately, acknowledging the feelings of both  frustration and sadness regarding a situation that you cannot change is a strategy to reduce the stressful impact of an issue that you cannot directly control. Future articles will address the Grief Process more specifically, and will describe ways to manage grief in a healthy way.