Tag Archives: Healthy Relationships

To Cherish and To Love

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What does it mean “To Cherish”?  How is it different from the phrase,”To Love”?

Words can stir our emotions (when we are in a neutral state), and words can reflect the intensity of our emotions (when we are in an intensely emotional state.)

Have you ever “cherished a moment” or “cherished a person”? I am sure you have. Have you ever “cherished a moment” when another living thing (like a person or a beloved pet) was not there? I suspect that we can “cherish a sunset”, or “cherish a view of the Grand Canyon” but that language usually is spoken in the context of a shared experience with a loved one.

People say, “I love my car”, and “I love you”. We rarely say, “I cherish my car”.

What is the textbook definition of “cherish”? To cherish is to treat with affection, to hold dear, to protect and care for, to care for deeply, and to treat with tenderness, to name just a few.

Tonight over a cup of tea with friends, while we were discussing the topic of LOVE, someone mentioned the word. “Cherish”. I was stopped in my metaphoric tracks. (I was seated at the time.)  I told the person who mentioned the word that she should write a blog entry on the subject, as she is writing a blog on love.

When I got home, I continued  feeling this phrase, “To Cherish”, and felt a calling to write this article,”To Cherish and To Love”.  I suspect that if 20 people write on this topic, there will be 20 very different perspectives.

Why did I feel so deeply about this word? Not sure. Could it be the recent death of my uncle, the death of a close friend a few years ago, or the death of my father 8 years ago?

When I was a small child, I recall asking my parents why we had to “waste so many hours sleeping”?  When I learned we spend 1/3 of our lives sleeping, I felt this sadness of lost opportunity to live life. This was, of course, before I had any understanding of the medical reasons for sleep.I was, however, always acutely aware of the passage of time, and even as a child, sad for wasted moments of life.

As I get older, more people I love and cherish are dying. I have always cherished them. Our lifespans are limited, and some people die unexpectedly. I now savor the moments more, experience the people I love with greater presence of mind, and cherish them  more deeply.

“The Secret of Talking is Listening”: A Hollywood Line, or Good Advice?

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The Secret of Talking is Listening“The Secret of Talking is Listening”. This is a quote from the film with Matt Damon and Scarlett Johannson called “We Bought a Zoo”.

Flipping through TV channels today, I heard this line in the middle of this movie. I was intrigued with a film writer’s idea of effective communication.

Is this good advice?  Sure…listening is always important. However, this film line fails to encompass the broader complexities of effective communication, conflict resolution or healthy relationships.

The film writer, I suspect, is using semantic shorthand to correlate the notion of of “talking” with “communication”. However, listening is only one aspect of effective communication.

Other “secrets” of good communication are patience, managing emotions, clarifying misunderstandings, using solution focused, objective language, being aware of tone of voice and non-verbal behavior, such as eye rolls and sighs that convey disgust, and the use of techniques such as “paraphrase” and “reflection of feeling”, just to touch the surface of some strategies and  elements of healthy and effective interpersonal communication.

Yes, a Hollywood film writer seemed to have collapsed a highly complex series of interpersonal transactions into a sound bite, “The Secret of Talking is Listening”.  “Listening” is simply one essential and fundamental aspect of increasing the probability that an interpersonal communication event will leave both parties feeling satisfied.

Perhaps it is not a figure of speech for the film writer to write: The Secret of Talking is Listening”. Have effective communication skills and techniques been kept a “secret”?  Have school systems in elementary school and secondary school given our children enough classes in this subject of effective communication, conflict resolution, managing emotions, managing anger, and using solution-focused communication?

I believe it is time to stop keeping these skills and techniques a “secret”, and have public school systems, colleges and adult education courses teach the basics of interpersonal communication and conflict resolution, anger management, and staying connected even when communication conflict gives us the feeling that we want to either run away or attack.

ACTION STRATEGIES:

1) Notice how you respond when you feel misunderstood or hurt during a conversation. Do you tend to use attack language, or do you detach, not telling the other person why you are upset?

2) How do you listen? What are the elements of effective listening skills?

3) Do you know how to use techniques such as “Paraphrase” and “Reflection of Feeling” during interpersonal communication?

4) If you feel that effective communication skills and techniques have been kept “secret” from you, take steps to learn new skills and techniques to apply during a moment of interpersonal communication difficulty or breakdown. This could improve your personal relationships, professional relationships, your stress reduction plan and your overall health.

 

Interpersonal Communication: Can You Play Tennis if You Walk Off the Court?

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Interpersonal Communication: Can You Play Tennis if You Walk Off the Court?

Interpersonal Communication……it seems simple, doesn’t it? Remember the game of “Telephone”? For those who may not be of a “certain age”, the game was played this way: As a child, we would sit on the floor in a circle of 10-15 children, and whisper a phrase into the ear of the child to our right. That child would then whisper the message they heard into the ear of the child to their right, and around the circle the message would go. By the time the last child heard the message, he or she would tell the group what the message was. Of course, the message was never the same! Often, it was a distorted, comical new version of the original, and all the kids would laugh, knowing that the outcome would be a hilarious distortion of the original message.

Fast forward to the world of adult communication, and the outcomes are anything but comical. The breakdowns in communication are often wrought with gut-wrenching misunderstandings, hurt feelings, anger, resentments and broken relationships.

When you feel misunderstood, angry or hurt in a communication or relationship interaction, what is your style of dealing with that event? Do you detach and say nothing, get angry and explode, or explore the issue in an appropriate, calm and effective manner?

Do you metaphorically stay on the tennis court, and volley back the ball, or do you put down the tennis racquet, and walk off the court?

If you feel bad about an interpersonal interaction, do you continue the “tennis game” feeling resentful, but never call this person again to play tennis, keeping all your feelings secret? Or, do you know a few simple tools and techniques that you can use immediately?

Knowing your emotional style of handling communication breakdown, and using simple and effective communication strategies are the keys to having successful relationships in your personal and business life, which correlates with increased happiness and abundance in all your endeavors.

Three Action Tips:

  1. Recall your “family of origin”, or the family you grew up in. If you were in a non-traditional family, think about the people who had a great deal of influence over your upbringing.
  2. Analyze if there were any obvious patterns of behavior regarding communication and conflict resolution. Did parental figures detach in silence, not letting another person know if they were upset, or what their needs were? Or, did you grow up in a family where people exploded in anger, leaving emotional wreckage in their path? Or, did people tend to communicate calmly and clearly, to a resolution point where all parties felt heard and understood?
  3. Keep a log or journal of moments of stress or conflict in relationships. Document your patterns and note if you tend to detach, attack, or implement effective communication and conflict resolution strategies. Make connections to your family of origin patterns.