The Language Of Love: Unexpected Strategies for Intimacy

What is an Unexpected, Powerful Strategy for Increased Intimacy in Relationships?

The answer may seem like a very dull response to this tantalizing question. The answer? Learn to use more “Objective Language” rather than “Subjective Language”.  You may cringe, and ask, “What are you talking about?” OK…here goes! To give an example of “Subjective Language”, I will write out a hypothetical dialogue.

Jane Doe asks, “What is the weather like today?” If I, Ellen Anmuth respond, “Nice”, that response is considered to be subjective, because the word “Nice” does not paint a “word picture” of the actual weather. A nice day for one person could be a rainy day, and for another, it could be a sunny day.

What is an example of “Objective Language”? If Jane Doe asks “What is the weather like today”, and I, Ellen Anmuth respond, “The sky is bright blue, the trees are rustling gently with the breeze, and there is not a cloud in the sky”, this response paints a “word picture” that you can visualize.

How does this example relate to romantic love and communication that enhances intimacy? In the case of a married couple, if a wife says to her husband, “I wish you would show your love more”, her husband may have an idea what she wants. However, the wife’s communication was very “subjective” because she did not define what specific behavior her husband could do that would register in her mind, heart and soul, as representing “love”. For example, would she want him to bring her flowers, empty the garbage, massage her back, or pay the bills once a month, for example? The list of possibilities are endless.

How do we decide if a word is “Subjective” or “Objective”? This is challenging, as there is a continuum of possibility. When I  ran workshops on communication, I would ask my class, “Is the word ‘Mountain’ considered subjective or objective?” Most of the class would say it was an “Objective” word. I would ask the class to close their eyes, and envision a mountain. Then, when I asked them to open their eyes, the group was amazed to learn that some people visualized a mountain in Hawaii, while others visualized a snow covered mountain in Switzerland in the winter.

The conclusion of this very complex communication challenge is this: When you think you may be communicating clearly and specifically, think again, or ask your partner what they are picturing, thinking or believing about what you are saying. Then be prepared that you may need to clarify, and attempt again to communicate more specifically what you mean. It is usually advisable to ask your partner to paraphrase his or her understanding of the message, and then….be prepared to further clarify your message! Communication is just that complex, because language is based on symbolic representation, which is different for every person.

 

 

 

Ellen Anmuth Commetary – Gun Violence, Impulse Control Disorders and President Obama

Will President Obama and the US Government Ever Address the Issues of Mental Health, Disorders of Impulse Control, and Gun Violence? 

What is an Impulse Control Disorder? According to Wikipedia:

Impulse control disorder or ICD is a class of psychiatric disorders characterized by impulsivity – failure to resist a temptation, urge or impulse that may harm oneself or others. Many psychiatric disorders feature impulsivity, including substance-related disorders, paraphilias, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, antisocial personality disorder, conduct disorder, schizophrenia and mood disorders. The revised fourth edition of the American Psychiatric Association‘s Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (DSM-IV-TR) includes the category, “impulse control disorders not elsewhere classified”, which consists of kleptomania, pathological gambling, pyromania (fire-starting), trichotillomania (a compulsion to pull one’s hair out), intermittent explosive disorder, and “impulse control disorders not otherwise specified”. Other disorders such as, dermatillomania (compulsive skin picking), compulsive buying and compulsive non-paraphilic sexual behaviour have been proposed for inclusion in the category.Five behavioural stages characterize impulsivity: an impulse, growing tension, pleasure from acting, relief from the urge and finally guilt (which may or may not arise).

For those people with Impulse Control Disorders or severe depression, a loaded gun nearby is a monumental danger. A few years ago, a friend of my parents, a retired medical professional, had a gun in his home. I suspect that this was intended for protection from intruders, as he never went hunting. I recall seeing him and his wife as a party, and noting how depressed she looked. A few weeks later, the news came that she had committed suicide by shooting herself in the head with the gun that was in the home.

For anyone with depression or an impulse control problem, easy access to a gun is a high risk situation. Will the US Government ever deal with this properly? What can you do, as citizens, to make a change? Will speaking with your senators, congressmen and congresswomen help?

As a licensed psychotherapist, I noticed how difficult it is for many people to get mental health services, either because they have no health insurance, or perhaps their policies did not cover psychotherapy. In addition, the culture in general tends to stigmatize mental illness, discouraging people from seeking help, in my opinion.

Given that a portion of the population suffers from Disorders of Impulse Control, and that many mentally ill people never get treatment, how do the current policies and laws deal with the easy access of mentally ill people to obtain guns?

What can we all do to address this problem?

 

 

Ellen Anmuth Commentary – CBS Grammy Awards, Creativity and Contribution

What will your legacy be in this life? During the “In Memoriam” segment of the 2013 Grammy Award Show, I was touched by the passing of so many greats, and the wonderful music they left behind for us to enjoy.

Marvin Hamlisch and Donna Summer are just two of the amazing talents that are no longer with us, to continue their composing and performing.

Do you have a creative contribution to leave as a legacy? Certainly, the areas of music and art are challenging professions to break into, and make a mark.

However, in today’s world of You Tube and Internet publishing, I wonder if you may be holding back in sharing a musical gift to the world?

Take a chance….let your musical mind wander, and start to compose. Perhaps you can sing a song you love,  and sing it with your own brand of uniqueness and passion. Many people post these songs on You Tube.

Who knows how much joy another person may feel from enjoying your artistic expression?  Will you let your artistic expression be revealed and shared, or will you die without sharing your blessings and talents with the world?

To Cherish and To Love

What does it mean “To Cherish”?  How is it different from the phrase,”To Love”?

Words can stir our emotions (when we are in a neutral state), and words can reflect the intensity of our emotions (when we are in an intensely emotional state.)

Have you ever “cherished a moment” or “cherished a person”? I am sure you have. Have you ever “cherished a moment” when another living thing (like a person or a beloved pet) was not there? I suspect that we can “cherish a sunset”, or “cherish a view of the Grand Canyon” but that language usually is spoken in the context of a shared experience with a loved one.

People say, “I love my car”, and “I love you”. We rarely say, “I cherish my car”.

What is the textbook definition of “cherish”? To cherish is to treat with affection, to hold dear, to protect and care for, to care for deeply, and to treat with tenderness, to name just a few.

Tonight over a cup of tea with friends, while we were discussing the topic of LOVE, someone mentioned the word. “Cherish”. I was stopped in my metaphoric tracks. (I was seated at the time.)  I told the person who mentioned the word that she should write a blog entry on the subject, as she is writing a blog on love.

When I got home, I continued  feeling this phrase, “To Cherish”, and felt a calling to write this article,”To Cherish and To Love”.  I suspect that if 20 people write on this topic, there will be 20 very different perspectives.

Why did I feel so deeply about this word? Not sure. Could it be the recent death of my uncle, the death of a close friend a few years ago, or the death of my father 8 years ago?

When I was a small child, I recall asking my parents why we had to “waste so many hours sleeping”?  When I learned we spend 1/3 of our lives sleeping, I felt this sadness of lost opportunity to live life. This was, of course, before I had any understanding of the medical reasons for sleep.I was, however, always acutely aware of the passage of time, and even as a child, sad for wasted moments of life.

As I get older, more people I love and cherish are dying. I have always cherished them. Our lifespans are limited, and some people die unexpectedly. I now savor the moments more, experience the people I love with greater presence of mind, and cherish them  more deeply.

Ellen Anmuth Commentary: An Unmet Need in Bereavement Services

Ellen Anmuth CommentaryAs a Licensed Therapist in the field of Genetic Counseling and Clinical Social Work, and having been trained in Grief and Bereavement, I would like to appeal to my colleagues in the field of Death and Dying, Grief, Loss and Transition Counseling Services.

Have  my fellow colleagues in the Mental Health Service Professions noticed a service that has been absent?

At least in my geographic area, there are bereavement groups for parents of children who died, for adults who have lost a spouse or life partner, for people in the divorce process, and yet I have noticed an absence of any support group services for the death of a friend.

I would appreciate comments from the mental health practitioners about this glaring omission in services.

The death of a friend, in my opinion, has a unique footprint, a grief process different from any other bereavement process.

I would also appreciate any comments from individuals in the community, any family doctors, internists, specialists ,clergy,University or College Professors, or from any grieving person who could not find a support group for the death of a friend.

Colleagues…let’s assess this situation, and deliver better services!

Ellen Anmuth Commentary

Women who Sacrifice for Men: When Neediness Jeopardizes Safety

When does neediness for a man’s approval put a woman in danger?

Have you ever deferred taking care of your emotional or physical heath because you feared disapproval or abandonment by a man?

Recently, a  very educated colleague named Sheila called me as she was driving to meet a man for a drink. She had not yet met him in person, but had only connected with him via an Internet Dating site.

She lives about 20 miles from my home, and while driving, she called me to ask for directions to the restaurant. I told her how to get there, and then she told me that the indicator light was showing low air pressure in her tires.

It was Friday early evening, and I told her, “You are in luck….there is a tire place en-route to the restaurant, and they are open for another hour. Just drive by, and they will put air in your tires”.

Her response was shocking to me. She said, “Since I am meeting him for the first time, I do not want to be late”. I responded that the guys at the tire place are excellent, fast and trustworthy, and that it will only take a few minutes of time. I also mentioned that since she can reach her new date by cell phone, he would understand that taking care of tires is a valid reason to run 10 minutes late. I re-emphasized the it would take at most, 10 minutes.

She refused to consider my suggestion, stating that this would be a good test of his chivalry, to allow him to take care of the tires. I told her that there are no tire places available after 7 pm on a Friday evening, and that her idea to have him “rescue” her was unlikely to be successful. I emphasized my concern for her safety, driving home on the highway for 20 miles late at night on tires with under-inflation.

She could not hear any of my suggestions, and sure enough, there were no places to fill up her tires, and she drove another 20 miles on the highway on tires that may have been unsafe.

The next morning, she told me  she needed to cancel plans with 6 women friends she planned to meet at a museum at 11am, since she did not get up early enough to deal with the tires.

She confidently affirmed  that the women would understand that these things happen in  life. (She did not tell her friends that she, in fact, decided not to ask a man to wait 10 minutes the night before, in order to put air in tires.)  I was intrigued with her double standard, having no problem disappointing her woman friends because she did not want a potential new man in her life to wait 10 minutes.

The next words out of her mouth were even more perplexing. She said,
“My life is always filled with obstacles”, and conveyed a perception of “victim consciousness” that “troubles in life seem to find her and taunt her”.

She was unable to see the obvious, that she failed to take the logical action, which was to quickly get to the tire place, on the way to her restaurant, and ask the stranger she had not yet met to wait 10 minutes.

Tips to Consider: 

1) Have you ever put your life or safety at risk because you wanted to impress a man?

2) Do you tend to sacrifice taking care of your needs, and potentially jeopardize your safety, because you fear abandonment by someone you are trying to impress?

3) Where in your childhood history might this tendency to abandon yourself begin?

4) Whose love did you not get as a child, that may be unconsciously running your behavior?

5) What will it take to make these emotional patterns more in conscious control, and heal the childhood wounds that may be unhealed?

Ellen Anmuth Commentary – CNN’s “Black In America” TV Broadcast

How does skin color and ethnic heritage affect self concept and self esteem in America?

I am a Licensed Psychotherapist, Educator, Genetic Counselor, and the creator of “The Language Of Solutions” Self Improvement and Wellness Programs.. As a Genetic Counselor in 1978, I worked in a Genetics Division at a University Medical School setting, helping people with, or at risk for Genetic Disease and Birth Defects understand complex medical information, and to deal with the emotional impact of having genetic disease, birth defects, or neonatal loss. My training at the State University of New York at Stony Brook was “Non-Directive Genetic Counseling”. In other words, I gave information and support, and never advocated opinions related to reproductive outcomes. Much of the work was intense and crisis intervention oriented.

 Back in 1991, a young man who was 19 years old at the time came to me as a therapy client. He was feeling very depressed, and internally conflicted on many levels. He was mixed race, born in Trinidad, and told me that his heritage was black, white, Irish, German, and more.  He had bronze skin, bright blue eyes, and a broad nose.

He said that up until age 13, while living in Trinidad, he had no awareness of the color of his skin, or even the existence of a racial identity. He was just a person, enjoying his life. When he moved to the USA at age 13, he encountered racism like a truck traveling 80 MPH hitting a concrete wall (my metaphor, not his.)

He told me his painful story of “white kids not wanting to play with him because he wasn’t white enough, and black kids not wanting to play with him because he was not black enough”. He was very well-spoken, with clear and proper pronunciation of words….a very sensitive and intellectual young man. He appeared emotionally more evolved than his chronological years.

When he came to America, and people would ask, “What are you”, implying a request to understand his mixed heritage, he would become very uncomfortable, and find himself “apologizing” for the black part of his heritage, by telling stories of slavery that somehow presented an explanation for this “less desired” part of his heritage.

Much of our work centered around building self esteem, and discussing the  undercurrent of racism in America vs. Trinidad, that caused Americans of mixed race to enter into conversations about skin color, identity and self esteem.

When  I saw the TV show tonight, “Black in America”, with Soledad O’Brien as the reporter, I was riveted to every word. The show focused on young people of mixed heritage, and different shades of skin color, and how they felt about themselves. I felt so sad, seeing their pain and torment over racial identity and self esteem.

The TV show also mentioned the “One Drop Rule”, which seems to allude to people calling themselves “Black” when 1/32 of their ancestors are black. The concept of “color-ism” was also presented, related to a photographer producing a book on the various shades of skin of people with black ancestry. I would like to learn more, if people would like to comment on this issue.

The political issues related to mixed race  in the USA are beyond the scope of this article, and beyond my expertise. However, I welcome comments in this area.

My focus of interest, as both a Genetic Counselor and a Licensed Psychotherapist, lies in how growing up mixed race or Black in America affects self esteem, and causes so much suffering in some people. I wonder: Will America ever be a place where skin color is a non issue, such as was in Trinidad 40 years ago, according to the young man who was my client in 1991?

Soledad O’Brien, on the show, “Black in America” spoke about her bi-racial heritage….mother who was Afro-Cuban, and father who was Australian-Irish.

On a personal note, I was always fascinated with the issue of our inner soul and our outer physical appearance. In college, I considered a career working with Burn Patients, whose faces were completely changed by the scarring of burns. I was fascinated to learn how the world would relate to them, and how they would feel about their self worth, in a culture that idolizes a certain concept of “beauty” related to worthiness. I felt a calling to help them to love themselves, despite what cosmetic alteration existed due to the burns, and to embrace the beautiful person inside.

When I was 15 or 16, I was an avid poet, a child of the 60’s, grappling with the social issues of the time. I  wrote a poem called “Prisoner”, and it began: “Here I am, stuck inside my face”….and the poem ended with the sentence, “….only a few people will ever meet me in person”. Perhaps I will dig into my files, find the full poem and publish it here. Apparently, being raised in Long Island, where clothes, image and jewelry  seemed very important, in my own way, I rebelled against the focus on external appearance, vs the true soul inside. Back then, I did not realize the extent to which I was riveted to the issue of  the soul, the person inside, and the over-emphasis on physical appearance.

When I was a child, growing up in the 60’s, a person of mixed race was called Mulatto. President Barack Obama, who has a family tree of a white mother and a black father is called Black, rather than Bi-Racial. I would welcome any comments about all the issues presented in this article, and any ideas about how to help others grappling with low self esteem related to physical appearance.

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Ellen Anmuth Commentary

Ellen Anmuth Commentary: How Much Do You Know About the Stock Market?

Ellen Anmuth CommentaryHow much do you know about the Stock Market?

Yesterday, February 1, 2013 was a big day in the Stock Market. The Dow closed at 14,009.79, and the S&P closed at 1,513.17. Since the low levels in 2009, they have more than doubled.

Sadly, many people sold their positions to cash, becoming very frightened, and never went back into the Stock Market. Unfortunately, they missed the opportunity to recover their losses.

I had a meeting today with someone who holds a very prestigious position at a local University. The topic of finances came up, and I asked her if she followed the Stock Markets and had familiarity with it. She said “Yes”, so I began speaking of “dollar cost averaging” and “exchange traded funds”. All of a sudden, her eyes glazed over, and she admitted that she had never heard of these concepts.

I realized in that moment that many very bright people have never set aside some time to learn about the basics of finance and investing. I studied psychology and education in college, and never took a business course. Yet, during my adult life, I felt an urgency to study, learn and talk to experts in order to make informed decisions about my investments.

Why are so many people refusing to learn the basics of investing? I wonder if you ask a friend to differentiate a stock from a bond, or a mutual fund from an exchange-traded fund, you may find that most people’s eyes begin to glaze over, as they admit ignorance on the topic!

Considering the global and national economic issues, and the very personal fianancial issues people are dealing with, it would benefit all people to begin to learn the basics of investing, so that  financial management and investing decisions can be made wisely.

How many people sold all their positions to cash in 2009 at the Stock Market low, and missed the ride back up because they failed to study and learn about the Stock Market?  How many people who sold to cash were mostly in Stocks, and were not diversified into Fixed Income or CD’s to balance their portfolios? How many people evaluated their risk tolerance, and planned a budget before making investment decisions?

Learning about Investments and the Stock Market can be fun when you overcome the fear of it. Step by step, you learn more and feel less intimidated. I have found that to be true for me.

Ellen Anmuth Commentary

 

 

Emotions: When we “Feel” Them, we Can “Heal” Them

What could be the first step in managing emotions?

There are many approaches to handling our feelings more effectively. What could be the first, most logical step? The answer may appear elementary, but it is as follows:  Notice what you are feeling in any given moment!

This seems simple, yet the popular culture seems to send a message that it is not OK to feel. When was the last time someone said, “How are you?”, and you said, “Fine”, when you may have been feeling anger, sadness, fear or some other emotion? The tendency to deny, repress or avoid emotions is widespread.

Anger, sadness, fear, guilt, shame, hopelessness, and the myriad of other feelings that we experience can overwhelm us, in my opinion, because we have not been taught how to effectively manage them.

When you feel emotions, do you reach for a drink, or open the refrigerator when not really hungry? If you are angry or irritable, do you find that you might interact with someone else with more impatience or hostility?

In 1985, I took a course on how to manage feelings. We were instructed to observe our feelings, and attempt to bring them up, rather than try to avoid them. One technique we were taught was to drive our cars without turning on the radio. (Back then, there were no cell phones or other devices to distract.)

That is not so easy! Try to drive your car in silence, and notice when you have an urge to turn on the radio. Does that happen after you have an unpleasant emotion or thought?

Managing emotions is a complex process, and yet, avoiding the tendency to deny them is the first step. Yes, the first step to healing feelings is to, in fact, FEEL THEM.

Action Tips:

1) Keep a log or journal or your emotions, and what usually happens before you have the feeling.

2) Notice what you do after you connect with the unpleasant feeling. Do you reach for food, alcohol, or drugs?

3) Have a conversation with friends and family, and if they are receptive, have a discussion about recommended methods to manage emotions in a healthy way.

Update–March 2014…..For those readers who first read this entry last year, have you kept a log of your emotions related to events in your life? An “event” could be an “internal event” or an “external event”. What do I mean by that? An external event is something that happens within your environment, such as a person speaking to you in a harsh manner, finding out about a death in the family, etc. On the other hand, an internal event is something that happens within you, such as a thought, feeling, memory, flashback, or some other experience within yourself. It may be helpful to begin to better discern when an “internal event” causes another “internal event”. For example, if you suddenly have a flashback of an unpleasant experience, you may find yourself having an internal dialogue that is self critical. Then you may feel sadness or guilt. How do you turn around this escalating spiral of negativity? Often, this happens unconsciously. Practice being more aware, by asking yourself, “What am I feeling now?”, or “What am I thinking now?” From this type of inner awareness, you may be able to manage your emotions more effectively.— Ellen Anmuth, MS, MSW, LCSW, Licensed Psychotherapist, Genetic Counselor, and Founder of “The Language Of Solutions” Self Improvement and Wellness Programs.