Tag Archives: Ellen Anmuth Psychotherapist

Ask Ellen Anmuth, Psychotherapist: How Can I Lose Weight, Even Though I Travel?

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This article series deals with email questions sent from readers. Gary from Boston travels regularly for business, and is gaining weight. He writes:

Gary: I travel at least 4 days per week for business, and stay at different hotels each night. In the last 2 years, I have gained about 25 pounds. I find myself alone in the hotel room after 8 PM, eating junk food while I watch TV. Do you have any advice?

Ellen Anmuth, Licensed Psychotherapist:  Traveling for business can be stressful. You write that you are eating junk food at night when you are alone in the hotel room.  Some people reach for food when they feel lonely. If you are eating out of a feeling of loneliness, perhaps you could find ways to manage those feelings that do not include food. How about calling some friends when you are alone in the room?   I am assuming you have already had dinner, and you are eating out of emotional hunger, rather than biological hunger.

If you are over-eating to calm anxiety, perhaps getting in touch with what is creating the feelings of anxiety could be helpful. Once you identify what is causing the stress, you could develop an action plan to reduce the anxiety.  

Finally, perhaps you could bring in some low calorie snacks into your room that give a crunch, such as celery or carrots, if you enjoy crunching. Keeping an apple or orange in the room is also helpful, and lower in calories than the candy bars or other junk food you are alluding to.

Although you did not mention food selections at restaurants, there are things you can do when you eat out that can lower calorie intake. For example, baked foods are less calories than fried foods. Given an option, ask for side orders of salads and steamed vegetables, which are very filling. Try to limit the amount of salad dressings and high calorie desserts.  Hope this is helpful, Gary.

 

Ellen Anmuth Psychotherapist: “The Language of Solutions” for Coping with Change

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What is “The Language Of Solutions”, and How Can It Be Used For Coping With Change?

“The Language of Solutions” is an educational wellness program, taught as a  private “Tele-Training” using a 40 page workbook and 6 hours of private telephone instruction. The core teaching is a unique 4-Step Method in the form of a flow chart. The 3rd step is a system within the 4-Step Method which teaches people how to manage emotions for many purposes: Communication and conflict resolution, improved relationships, weight loss, anger management, stress management, grief and bereavement and other wellness purposes.

This article will focus on how to use “The Language Of Solutions” for Coping with Change. When we are involved with change, there will likely be feelings of anxiety or sadness, even with change for the positive. By definition, CHANGE usually involves the loss of many things, and the addition of many things.

Even in a welcomed change, there may be a grieving process, because we are saying goodbye to the known. For example, if you live in New York, and are offered a desired new job in San Francisco, this type of change will likely bring up feelings of both happiness and sadness. You will probably be saying goodbye to friends and people you know in one city to begin a new life. Whatever the scenario, change brings up feelings, be it large and obvious, or small and symbolic.

Action Tips:

1) Notice what you are feeling.

2) Write in a journal, noting all feelings from happy and positive, to fearful and sad.  Become aware if there are any trigger events that occur to cause these feelings. A trigger event can be an external event or an internal event, such as a flashback or an “inner dialogue”.

3) Notice if you allow yourself to feel the feelings without criticism or judgement. Then, see if you can analyze the trigger events. Sometimes we have thought patterns and beliefs that may cause us to feel worse.

4) If you are self critical, allow yourself a new possibility to acknowledge that feelings are normal. We often feel more stressed when we try to change feelings. When we acknowledge and allow feelings, they tend to release.

5) If you are filled with sadness or anxiety that you cannot reduce on your own, contact a licensed psychotherapist to help during this transition.

6) In addition, “The Language Of Solutions” Self Improvement and Wellness Programs 4-Step Method Training Program can provide a self help strategy as a stand alone course, or in conjunction with the help of a licensed psychotherapist.

 

 

Ellen Anmuth, Psychotherapist: Find A Child’s Joy in Adulthood

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 How can we, as adults, feel the joy of children more often?

Yesterday, I was in a few different stores, and I noticed children beaming at me and smiling. These kids were likely under 5 years old. One child was actually walking backward quickly, trying to keep up with the large stride of his mother, grinning ear to ear while “speed- walking backward”.

Another child, in a food store, seemed to have a sling on her arm. From a distance, I glanced and perceived that she had hurt herself. As I got closer to her (at Whole Foods Market, produce department), I smiled and asked, “How did you hurt yourself?” She beamed back with a big smile, and said, “I am not hurt, I am just pretending”.  Then I noticed that her “sling” around her arm was actually a plastic bag from the produce department that she fabricated as a pretend sling.

She skipped away with her siblings and mom, having played “doctor” in that moment, creatively taking a prop, using a plastic bag that could hold apples or bananas, turning it into a joyful game in the moment.

Yes…joy in the moment. Do you recall a time when a moment could be joyful, in the most mundane of circumstances?

Today I need to drive about 20 miles north. It is sunny and beautiful, and I live a mile from the ocean. Rather than drive quickly up the highway, I plan to bring lots of my favorite music CD’s, and take a slow and beautiful ride up “A1A”, the scenic drive by the water. Yes, that will bring me lots of joy in each moment. The drive will take twice as long, and bring me much more joy in the moment.

ACTION QUESTION: What can you do each day to minimize your world of adult worries, live in the moment, feel more peace and celebrate simple joys?

Ellen Anmuth Commentary– ABC’s “Shark Tank”: Dreams, Compassion and Power

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How is the ABC TV Show “Shark Tank” and interesting study of the human condition, relative to hopes/dreams, kindness, compassion, mentoring, helplessness, and power/control issues?

As a Licensed Psychotherapist, I find myself watching the ABC TV show, “Shark Tank” from many different perspectives: (1) From the point of view of an inventor and business person, as I have had my own business, (2) From the perspective of the creative process of business owners, and their anxiety/hopes to have investment support from the Sharks to manifest their dreams, and (3) From the perspective of the Sharks themselves…their business persona and their humanity.

This article will touch upon with the dynamics of power and control — the interpersonal dance between the “inventor/small business person” and the “Shark”, the self made millionaire or billionaire — relative to kindness, compassion, mentoring and the love of helping others.

I am fascinated to observe the behavior and personalities of the “Sharks”, relative to their empathy and compassion. While one “Shark” has the persona of cruelty (I suspect a staged character for the show), the others tend to differ in their “empathy meter”, metaphorically speaking, from moment to moment.

I surmise that a “Shark’s” empathy level is partly dependent on a business strategy related to simply making money and getting the best deal, and partly related to their personal identification with the business inventor seeking a deal. At times, you see their hearts open, and their tenderness emerge.

I am fascinated during those moments where the “Shark” seems to release their persona as the tough business person, and seems to morph into a kindly philanthropic mentor.

During these moments, the hard edge of the Shark seems to shift into more of a loving persona, as if the “Shark” becomes more of a kind mentor/helper. I grew up with a TV show called “The Millionaire“, where money was given to deserving people with a charitable motivation. During those moments of connection, I feel the Shark’s intention to help may be greater than their own desire to make money. When someone is a mentor, they gain pleasure in guiding the student.

I so enjoy those moments of kindness, love and compassion, where a “Shark” reveals his or her humanity, and morphs from a Shark to a philanthropic persona. Sure, they will make money, but the intention to support and nurture seems to take a more primary role. You see, these “Sharks” get so much more than money…they get the joy of helping another person to manifest their dreams. I bet that is more important to them, on the deepest level.

ACTION SUGGESTION:

Think of your own life….when have you been the philanthropic support of someone else, to nurture and support another person to attain his/her dreams?Think about what you can give…You have a talent or gift to share with another!

Ellen Anmuth Commentary

Ellen Anmuth Film Review: “Field of Dreams” and the Law of Attraction

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Ellen Anmuth Film ReviewOPTIMISM, HOPE AND THE FILM, “FIELD OF DREAMS”– A NEW LOOK AT  THE LAW OF ATTRACTION……

According to Wikipedia, “Field of Dreams” is a 1989 American fantasy-drama  starring Kevin Costner, James Earl Jones, Amy Madigan, Ray Liotta, Burt Lancaster and other talented actors. A famous line from the film is “If you build it, he will come”.

When I first watched this movie, I had never heard of “The Law of Attraction”, which has been defined as the belief that like attracts like, and by focusing on positive thoughts, one can attract positive things. Others have added that thoughts alone will not attract positive things into our lives. We must  also do the necessary actions to assist in our manifesting our desires.

How is this film “good medicine” for our lives? Today the Dow hit an all time high. People feel optimistic about the stock market…for this moment in time. There is no guarantee of continued increase in the stock market without some pullbacks. Ah…a metaphor for life? The stock market is higher since its inception, but always with ups and downs.

How do we stay calm and optimistic through life’s inevitable ups and downs?

1) Perhaps watch “Field of Dreams” again for a dose of good feelings. The character, played by Kevin Costner, did actions he believed in, even when others could not see or embrace his visions (pun intended!!)

2) Think of what you would like to create in your life…better health, more love, increase in financial security? Write a journal of your goals.

3) Write down the action steps under each goal.

4) Every day, do at least one action step toward the goal.

5) Keep a journal of your feelings. If you feel sad, fearful or pessimistic, write the feelings down and the date.

6) Do the action steps to address each fear or concern. If you have business concerns, call the local college business school or free resources, like the SBA or SCORE. Ask for help from others, take walks, meditate, listen to music, or do other activities that help your creativity.

7) If you have an issue with love or relationships, perhaps you can call a licensed therapist to explore your issues and get some help.

8) Be open to coincidences and synchronicity. In the film, Kevin Costner’s character went on a roller coaster ride of despair to hope, and found great love, meaning and fulfillment. Yes, watch this film again for inspiration, and enjoy!

Ellen Anmuth Film Review

 

Self Hypnosis: Reduce Headaches Using Visualization

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How Can Self-Hypnosis Reduce Headaches?

As a Licensed Psychotherapist, I trained in clinical hypnosis. Hypnosis can be thought of as a “coned down” focus of attention, using the metaphor of an ice cream cone which tapers down to a smaller point from a larger area where the ice cream sits.

For example, if your mind is thinking about your job, your lunch, economics, your family and friends, that would be an example of large focus of attention. To “cone it down”, you might take a deep breath in, and visualize a scene that brings you a feeling of comfort and safety. For some people, it may be a beach scene, for others it may be a picture of an afternoon with their family at home or at a park. Whatever it is for you, visualize it, taking in as many senses as possible, such as the visual images, any sounds, smells, tastes or sensations of touch, such as the warm sun against your skin.

There are a number of types of headaches, and the technique I will describe here will not work for all headaches. As always, check with your doctor. Here is a simple technique: After you guide yourself (called “Self Hypnosis”) to a comforting visualization, as I describe above, then shift your focus of attention to your headache. Think of this as a sensation, rather than as pain.

At this point, the headache may already be reduced. To reduce it further, allow your mind to visualize the headache to the best of your ability. Some people see their headache like a black boulder, some see it as a tight strap, like a belt around their forehead, or any number of other colors or images.

Ask yourself what is the shape and color of the discomfort in your head. Allow whatever image you visualize to be acceptable. There is a theory that “what we resist, persists.” By visualizing, or feeling the headache without trying to change or control it, you may find that it shifts and changes on its own, eventually and in a short time, going away completely. Ask yourself periodically, “What does the discomfort look or feel like, now?” Allow a few moments to go by, and ask yourself that question again.

It is helpful if you rate your headache on a scale of 1-10 before you begin the exercise, and rate it again after you re-alert yourself from the visualization. When you re-alert, always alert gently and slowly.

I would appreciate any replies to this blog article, letting me know how it works for you. Again, please see your doctor for any severe or persistent headache.

Ellen Anmuth Film Review – A Spiritual Perspective on Grief and Death in “Heart and Souls”

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According to Wikipedia,  “Heart and Souls is a 1993 fantasy/ comedy film about four deceased people who are trapped on earth and can only be seen by a single living human being who is recruited to help them take care of unfinished business.”

“Heart and Souls” has a very strong cast of talented actors such as Robert Downey, Jr., Charles Grodin, Alfre Woodard, Kyra Sedgwick, Elisabeth Shue, Tom Sizemore and David Paymer. With the added plus of a catchy musical score, this film  transports the viewer through many emotions from uplifting optimism to tearful sentimentality, without being over the top.

There has been documented research on “near death experiences”, where people who have been pronounced clinically dead have “come back” to describe conversations that took place in rooms other than the operating room where they were, with the theory that they left their bodies while in surgery, and visited other rooms in the hospital.

Survivors of this “near death experience” tend to have similar stories of being told that it was “not their time” and they returned to their bodies (see the research of Dr. Raymond Moody).

This film very sweetly tells the story of 4 people who died in a bus crash, and had unfinished business on earth, which they completed with the help of the Robert Downey, Jr. character named Thomas.

Why did this film grab my attention? As a Licensed Psychotherapist specializing in Grief and Bereavement Counseling, I watched it last week again, and experienced it from a different perspective. For many grieving people, the possibility that their loved one is still  nearby in spirit can create comfort. Some grieving people actually report evidence that their deceased loved ones are communicating with them.

On a more concrete level, if the movie viewer has no belief in the afterlife and the continuation of the soul, this film can deliver an inspirational message about the power of love. 

I recommend this film, both as “feel-good escapism” or as deeper spiritual inspiration and comfort for people who are grieving the death of a loved one.

Ellen Anmuth Film Review

Ask Ellen Anmuth, Psychotherapist: Reduce Stress in College

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“Ask Ellen Anmuth, Psychotherapist”  is a series of blog entries by Ellen Anmuth MS, MSW, LCSW,  a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. Select emails will be answered which may appeal to a broad audience.

This blog does not replace mental health counseling services, and I strongly recommend seeking the help of local licensed mental health providers when indicated. The Social Work Services Department of most hospitals can be a helpful referral source, especially if financial need is an issue.

This article will deal with two different topics from Sharon in Texas and  Don in California.

Sharon S. from Texas: “I find myself seeking approval from my family. They tend to be very controlling and critical, and I am afraid to make a decision that they may not approve of”.

Ellen Anmuth MS, MSW, LCSW: Sharon, I see that you are 20 years old, and living at home while attending community college. This can be a difficult period of life for you, in terms of a concept called, “separation-individuation”. You are in a period of life that some therapists call “The Young Adult Transition”. There are certain developmental tasks in each period of adult life, and stress can result when our inner compass differs from parents’ views.  Do you have friends you can relate to, and who share your values? What type of things do your parents disapprove of?  Are you engaging in any dangerous activity that would support their concern, or do you feel that their controlling behavior is related to treating you like a teenager, rather than a young adult? Sometimes, if parents have a difficult time adjusting to an adult child’s need for separation and individuation, conflict can emerge. Perhaps there might be counseling services through the community college, where you may be able to meet with a licensed therapist in person, to better evaluate the situation and guide you through your options and coping strategies.

Don M. from California: “I am pre-med, and so anxious about my tests that I can’t concentrate to study, and my grades are suffering. Do you have any ideas how I can study when I have so much anxiety about failing?”

Ellen Anmuth MS,MSW, LCSW:  Don, this is a question that so many others have asked me. I have an Education degree, and was an Assistant Professor of Family Medicine, teaching  medical students and doctors about psychology and education. I developed a technique to help people deal with test anxiety that was blocking their concentration. Try this: Take a sheet of paper, and make two columns: 1) The advantages of holding onto the feeling of anxiety, and 2) The disadvantages of holding onto the feeling of anxiety.  Fill out both columns quickly, writing the first things that come to mind. You will see a pattern, which will reveal information that may provide some insight. You may find that there is no logical “advantage” of holding onto the feeling of anxiety! That realization helps us to compartmentalize it away, at least temporarily, in order to concentrate.

Another useful technique is to make a “contract” with yourself, that every day, from 8pm-10pm you will study the course material that worries you the most. Do an “imagery exercise”: Imagine putting the feeling of anxiety in a box that you can put away (metaphorically speaking). You may imagine putting a box with your anxiety on a shelf in your closet, where you can close the door, so that with your anxiety “away” for the few hours, you can focus on the subject matter. After 2 hours, if you want to find that box, open it up, and experience the feeling of anxiety again, you can. You have that control. However, after 2 hours of focused study, you may find that the anxiety can stay in the closed box, and that you feel more confident and relaxed!  In fact, you may decide to throw that black box with anxiety out into the trash, rather than keep it on your closet shelf. This is a guided imagery exercise, which may be helpful. With incremental hours of successful concentration, you will feel more in control, and more confident about passing your tests.

Ellen Anmuth Psychotherapist: Use “The Language Of Solutions” During Moments of Conflict

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Ellen Anmuth PsychotherapistEllen Anmuth asks: How can you turn the language of problems into “The Language Of Solutions”?

We have all been there — a moment of tension or conflict, where the uncomfortable energy is palpable. Yes, it is a feeling, an intuitive knowing, that there is an impasse, or perhaps anger is escalating.

In these moments of tension, do you verbally  freeze up, or do you go into constructive action because you have a “toolkit” of strategies to use?

Yes, in these moments of interpersonal stress, some people detach, others verbally attack, and some people simply identify and name the problem. While naming the problem may be a good first step, it is not the full answer.What is missing here? How about suggesting a solution, or a specific request for change in behavior that, if implemented, would solve the problem?

Here is a simple example where using “The Language Of Solutions” can quickly offer a remedy to the tension in the moment. Let’s say you play tennis with a friend, and the court is reserved from Noon-1PM. You get there at 11:55, and your partner consistently arrives at 10 minutes past the hour! To make matters worse, he never apologizes, and actually takes another 10 minutes stretching. Now, your 60 minute tennis court reservation is reduced to 40 minutes of actual play time.

One option is to tell your tennis buddy that he always arrives 10 minutes past Noon, and then does 10 minutes of stretching. However what verbal strategy is missing here? The missing aspect is to ask your partner for a specific change in his behavior, such as, “I notice that rather than arrive at noon, our scheduled time to play tennis, you arrive 10 minutes past the hour, and stretch for another 10 minutes. Are you able to come 20 minutes earlier, so that the tennis play can begin at noon?”

There are other strategies that could be implemented, such as clarifying assumptions, identifying  feelings about the situation, and checking out the other person’s perceptions. Communication is very complex, and there is much to learn.

This tennis situation actually happened to me, and I implemented these strategies, to discover that  my tennis partner preferred to paint, tinker with his cars, or do a number of other activities, and tennis was not his favorite thing to do. He never told me this directly…he just came later and later!

When I let him know that I preferred to play tennis with a partner who would come on time, and who would use the full 60 minutes of play, he decided that his heart was not in the game, and in a compassionate and kind manner,we both decided to cancel any future games. I then quickly found a new tennis buddy who shared my passion for the game.

Relationships prosper and are nurtured by honest communication, gentle confrontation,  and compassionate negotiation.

Ellen Anmuth Psychotherapist: An Analysis of Compassion, Conflict, Insight and Relationships

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Compassion, Conflict and Insight…How do these 3 concepts relate to  Relationships, Happiness, Love, Romance, Communication and Anger Management?

Today is Valentines Day….a day that is correlated with with Romantic Love. Have you ever heard the quote, “The work of real love begins after the romantic fantasy ends”? The author may have been M.Scott Peck or Harville Hendrix, and I regret that my attempt at “Googling” was unsuccessful to confirm the author.(Please let me know the correct author, if anyone finds out!)

I do recall reading a chapter in a book that related to the above-mentioned quote. This concept inspired me to further my work as a Psychotherapist and Educator, relative to teaching couples how to remain loving and connected when disagreements or conflict arises. I was inspired to develop a method called “The Language Of Solutions”, in which a 4-Step Method in the form of a dialogue guide teaches couples how to stay connected in a loving manner, even if they feel hurt, angry, dismissed, misunderstood, attacked, or the myriad of other emotions that can easily tear apart a loving bond.

When people feel hurt in a romantic relationship, there may be a number of reactions. Some people attack with angry words, and other people withdraw and sulk in isolating silence and detachment.

What role does compassion and insight play during a tense moment of conflict between loved ones? The degree of “reflex anger” can be reduced. If you learn about your partner’s “family of origin” issues, you may find yourself becoming more patient and less reactive. Abusive behavior is not to be tolerated. Couples can learn skills and strategies to deal with hurt and pain that is kind and loving. Anger can be expressed lovingly and compassionately, which can increase intimacy and closeness.

Action Strategies:

1) Talk to your significant other or loved one, and explore how conflict was handled in their family. Find out if they were allowed to speak about their thoughts or feelings, or if they were punished for communicating.

2) Discuss some guidelines for conflict resolution that each person could feel comfortable with, and remind your partner during those moments of conflict to use one of the methods.

3) Keep a log or diary of the trigger events that occur, and how you react. Self awareness is the first step toward a productive and successful plan of action.