Ellen Anmuth Commentary – CNN’s “Black In America” TV Broadcast

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How does skin color and ethnic heritage affect self concept and self esteem in America?

I am a Licensed Psychotherapist, Educator, Genetic Counselor, and the creator of “The Language Of Solutions” Self Improvement and Wellness Programs.. As a Genetic Counselor in 1978, I worked in a Genetics Division at a University Medical School setting, helping people with, or at risk for Genetic Disease and Birth Defects understand complex medical information, and to deal with the emotional impact of having genetic disease, birth defects, or neonatal loss. My training at the State University of New York at Stony Brook was “Non-Directive Genetic Counseling”. In other words, I gave information and support, and never advocated opinions related to reproductive outcomes. Much of the work was intense and crisis intervention oriented.

 Back in 1991, a young man who was 19 years old at the time came to me as a therapy client. He was feeling very depressed, and internally conflicted on many levels. He was mixed race, born in Trinidad, and told me that his heritage was black, white, Irish, German, and more.  He had bronze skin, bright blue eyes, and a broad nose.

He said that up until age 13, while living in Trinidad, he had no awareness of the color of his skin, or even the existence of a racial identity. He was just a person, enjoying his life. When he moved to the USA at age 13, he encountered racism like a truck traveling 80 MPH hitting a concrete wall (my metaphor, not his.)

He told me his painful story of “white kids not wanting to play with him because he wasn’t white enough, and black kids not wanting to play with him because he was not black enough”. He was very well-spoken, with clear and proper pronunciation of words….a very sensitive and intellectual young man. He appeared emotionally more evolved than his chronological years.

When he came to America, and people would ask, “What are you”, implying a request to understand his mixed heritage, he would become very uncomfortable, and find himself “apologizing” for the black part of his heritage, by telling stories of slavery that somehow presented an explanation for this “less desired” part of his heritage.

Much of our work centered around building self esteem, and discussing the  undercurrent of racism in America vs. Trinidad, that caused Americans of mixed race to enter into conversations about skin color, identity and self esteem.

When  I saw the TV show tonight, “Black in America”, with Soledad O’Brien as the reporter, I was riveted to every word. The show focused on young people of mixed heritage, and different shades of skin color, and how they felt about themselves. I felt so sad, seeing their pain and torment over racial identity and self esteem.

The TV show also mentioned the “One Drop Rule”, which seems to allude to people calling themselves “Black” when 1/32 of their ancestors are black. The concept of “color-ism” was also presented, related to a photographer producing a book on the various shades of skin of people with black ancestry. I would like to learn more, if people would like to comment on this issue.

The political issues related to mixed race  in the USA are beyond the scope of this article, and beyond my expertise. However, I welcome comments in this area.

My focus of interest, as both a Genetic Counselor and a Licensed Psychotherapist, lies in how growing up mixed race or Black in America affects self esteem, and causes so much suffering in some people. I wonder: Will America ever be a place where skin color is a non issue, such as was in Trinidad 40 years ago, according to the young man who was my client in 1991?

Soledad O’Brien, on the show, “Black in America” spoke about her bi-racial heritage….mother who was Afro-Cuban, and father who was Australian-Irish.

On a personal note, I was always fascinated with the issue of our inner soul and our outer physical appearance. In college, I considered a career working with Burn Patients, whose faces were completely changed by the scarring of burns. I was fascinated to learn how the world would relate to them, and how they would feel about their self worth, in a culture that idolizes a certain concept of “beauty” related to worthiness. I felt a calling to help them to love themselves, despite what cosmetic alteration existed due to the burns, and to embrace the beautiful person inside.

When I was 15 or 16, I was an avid poet, a child of the 60’s, grappling with the social issues of the time. I  wrote a poem called “Prisoner”, and it began: “Here I am, stuck inside my face”….and the poem ended with the sentence, “….only a few people will ever meet me in person”. Perhaps I will dig into my files, find the full poem and publish it here. Apparently, being raised in Long Island, where clothes, image and jewelry  seemed very important, in my own way, I rebelled against the focus on external appearance, vs the true soul inside. Back then, I did not realize the extent to which I was riveted to the issue of  the soul, the person inside, and the over-emphasis on physical appearance.

When I was a child, growing up in the 60’s, a person of mixed race was called Mulatto. President Barack Obama, who has a family tree of a white mother and a black father is called Black, rather than Bi-Racial. I would welcome any comments about all the issues presented in this article, and any ideas about how to help others grappling with low self esteem related to physical appearance.

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Ellen Anmuth Commentary

Ellen Anmuth Commentary: How Much Do You Know About the Stock Market?

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Ellen Anmuth CommentaryHow much do you know about the Stock Market?

Yesterday, February 1, 2013 was a big day in the Stock Market. The Dow closed at 14,009.79, and the S&P closed at 1,513.17. Since the low levels in 2009, they have more than doubled.

Sadly, many people sold their positions to cash, becoming very frightened, and never went back into the Stock Market. Unfortunately, they missed the opportunity to recover their losses.

I had a meeting today with someone who holds a very prestigious position at a local University. The topic of finances came up, and I asked her if she followed the Stock Markets and had familiarity with it. She said “Yes”, so I began speaking of “dollar cost averaging” and “exchange traded funds”. All of a sudden, her eyes glazed over, and she admitted that she had never heard of these concepts.

I realized in that moment that many very bright people have never set aside some time to learn about the basics of finance and investing. I studied psychology and education in college, and never took a business course. Yet, during my adult life, I felt an urgency to study, learn and talk to experts in order to make informed decisions about my investments.

Why are so many people refusing to learn the basics of investing? I wonder if you ask a friend to differentiate a stock from a bond, or a mutual fund from an exchange-traded fund, you may find that most people’s eyes begin to glaze over, as they admit ignorance on the topic!

Considering the global and national economic issues, and the very personal fianancial issues people are dealing with, it would benefit all people to begin to learn the basics of investing, so that  financial management and investing decisions can be made wisely.

How many people sold all their positions to cash in 2009 at the Stock Market low, and missed the ride back up because they failed to study and learn about the Stock Market?  How many people who sold to cash were mostly in Stocks, and were not diversified into Fixed Income or CD’s to balance their portfolios? How many people evaluated their risk tolerance, and planned a budget before making investment decisions?

Learning about Investments and the Stock Market can be fun when you overcome the fear of it. Step by step, you learn more and feel less intimidated. I have found that to be true for me.

Ellen Anmuth Commentary

 

 

Emotions: When we “Feel” Them, we Can “Heal” Them

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What could be the first step in managing emotions?

There are many approaches to handling our feelings more effectively. What could be the first, most logical step? The answer may appear elementary, but it is as follows:  Notice what you are feeling in any given moment!

This seems simple, yet the popular culture seems to send a message that it is not OK to feel. When was the last time someone said, “How are you?”, and you said, “Fine”, when you may have been feeling anger, sadness, fear or some other emotion? The tendency to deny, repress or avoid emotions is widespread.

Anger, sadness, fear, guilt, shame, hopelessness, and the myriad of other feelings that we experience can overwhelm us, in my opinion, because we have not been taught how to effectively manage them.

When you feel emotions, do you reach for a drink, or open the refrigerator when not really hungry? If you are angry or irritable, do you find that you might interact with someone else with more impatience or hostility?

In 1985, I took a course on how to manage feelings. We were instructed to observe our feelings, and attempt to bring them up, rather than try to avoid them. One technique we were taught was to drive our cars without turning on the radio. (Back then, there were no cell phones or other devices to distract.)

That is not so easy! Try to drive your car in silence, and notice when you have an urge to turn on the radio. Does that happen after you have an unpleasant emotion or thought?

Managing emotions is a complex process, and yet, avoiding the tendency to deny them is the first step. Yes, the first step to healing feelings is to, in fact, FEEL THEM.

Action Tips:

1) Keep a log or journal or your emotions, and what usually happens before you have the feeling.

2) Notice what you do after you connect with the unpleasant feeling. Do you reach for food, alcohol, or drugs?

3) Have a conversation with friends and family, and if they are receptive, have a discussion about recommended methods to manage emotions in a healthy way.

Update–March 2014…..For those readers who first read this entry last year, have you kept a log of your emotions related to events in your life? An “event” could be an “internal event” or an “external event”. What do I mean by that? An external event is something that happens within your environment, such as a person speaking to you in a harsh manner, finding out about a death in the family, etc. On the other hand, an internal event is something that happens within you, such as a thought, feeling, memory, flashback, or some other experience within yourself. It may be helpful to begin to better discern when an “internal event” causes another “internal event”. For example, if you suddenly have a flashback of an unpleasant experience, you may find yourself having an internal dialogue that is self critical. Then you may feel sadness or guilt. How do you turn around this escalating spiral of negativity? Often, this happens unconsciously. Practice being more aware, by asking yourself, “What am I feeling now?”, or “What am I thinking now?” From this type of inner awareness, you may be able to manage your emotions more effectively.— Ellen Anmuth, MS, MSW, LCSW, Licensed Psychotherapist, Genetic Counselor, and Founder of “The Language Of Solutions” Self Improvement and Wellness Programs.

 

 

Relationships: Creating Deeper Connections (Is the time right?)

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Relationships are fluid….like an intricate and delicate dance, the relational system is ever-changing. Sometimes relationships become more distant and detached, and other times,  people in relationship become more deeply connected.

 How do we create deeper connections?

Perhaps the first question may be, “do you want to deepen the relationship you are in?” Depending upon the nature of the relationship, firmer boundaries may be advantageous.

What do I mean by “boundaries”? Boundaries can be understood as the separations between people. For example, in the workplace, some relationships are meant to be more distant, in that it may be unwise to share too much personal information, especially during  a crisis, such as a divorce.

In personal relationships, such as friendships, the dance of relationship seems to be in assessing the “climate” of intimacy vs. distance, in terms of how much personal information to disclose.

In relationships that are becoming romantic, the dance step still remains a fluid process. For example, how much vulnerability do you disclose, and at what stage in the relationship?

For most people, timing is important, and it may be advisable to disclose small bits of vulnerable information at first, to assess how such tender information if handled by the other person. In a healthy and loving relationship, past hurts and vulnerabilities, if handled appropriately, can be help build a foundation of trust and deepening love.

In romantic relationships that are longstanding, if a person begins to disclose vulnerable information outside the relationship, this could be a sign that intimacy is beginning to deteriorate, and the relationship may benefit from therapy by a licensed mental health professional.

TIPS:

1) Assess carefully when you are ready to disclose some vulnerability in a developing relationship.

2) Notice how you feel when you disclose this information. Does the other person seem to connect with you more deeply, or run away?

3) Check in with yourself. What expectations do you have of this potential friend or partner? What do you think is a healthy balance of opening up some vulnerability, but not overwhelming the other person with too much information for their comfort zone?

4) In attempting to create deeper connections, it is important to evaluate the readiness and ability of the other person to handle such disclosures.

Relationships: Creating Deeper Connections

“The Secret of Talking is Listening”: A Hollywood Line, or Good Advice?

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The Secret of Talking is Listening“The Secret of Talking is Listening”. This is a quote from the film with Matt Damon and Scarlett Johannson called “We Bought a Zoo”.

Flipping through TV channels today, I heard this line in the middle of this movie. I was intrigued with a film writer’s idea of effective communication.

Is this good advice?  Sure…listening is always important. However, this film line fails to encompass the broader complexities of effective communication, conflict resolution or healthy relationships.

The film writer, I suspect, is using semantic shorthand to correlate the notion of of “talking” with “communication”. However, listening is only one aspect of effective communication.

Other “secrets” of good communication are patience, managing emotions, clarifying misunderstandings, using solution focused, objective language, being aware of tone of voice and non-verbal behavior, such as eye rolls and sighs that convey disgust, and the use of techniques such as “paraphrase” and “reflection of feeling”, just to touch the surface of some strategies and  elements of healthy and effective interpersonal communication.

Yes, a Hollywood film writer seemed to have collapsed a highly complex series of interpersonal transactions into a sound bite, “The Secret of Talking is Listening”.  “Listening” is simply one essential and fundamental aspect of increasing the probability that an interpersonal communication event will leave both parties feeling satisfied.

Perhaps it is not a figure of speech for the film writer to write: The Secret of Talking is Listening”. Have effective communication skills and techniques been kept a “secret”?  Have school systems in elementary school and secondary school given our children enough classes in this subject of effective communication, conflict resolution, managing emotions, managing anger, and using solution-focused communication?

I believe it is time to stop keeping these skills and techniques a “secret”, and have public school systems, colleges and adult education courses teach the basics of interpersonal communication and conflict resolution, anger management, and staying connected even when communication conflict gives us the feeling that we want to either run away or attack.

ACTION STRATEGIES:

1) Notice how you respond when you feel misunderstood or hurt during a conversation. Do you tend to use attack language, or do you detach, not telling the other person why you are upset?

2) How do you listen? What are the elements of effective listening skills?

3) Do you know how to use techniques such as “Paraphrase” and “Reflection of Feeling” during interpersonal communication?

4) If you feel that effective communication skills and techniques have been kept “secret” from you, take steps to learn new skills and techniques to apply during a moment of interpersonal communication difficulty or breakdown. This could improve your personal relationships, professional relationships, your stress reduction plan and your overall health.

 

Violent Communication: When A Whisper Can Wound

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What  is Violent Communication?

We think of certain behaviors as being violent,  such as yelling and  name calling.  These are obvious examples. What about the more subtle forms of interpersonal hostility and aggression?

When can a  whisper be considered violent? Sarcasm can be whispered. Someone can roll their eyes, and sigh, conveying disgust and disdain, which is very hurtful to the recipient.

Non-verbal communication and tone can be aggressive when they convey contempt, as opposed to conveying healthy anger or feelings of hurt in a direct manner, that leads to problem solving strategies. Sarcasm, eye rolls, name calling and sighs tend to be “zingers” that only hurt.

It may be helpful to distinguish “Healthy Anger” from  “Unhealthy Anger” or “Toxic Anger”. In the case of healthy anger, a person can use phrases such as, ” I feel angry when______”, and the example is then described with a neutral behavioral context. There can be a systematic process of uncovering feelings, clearing up misunderstandings, stating requests and  negotiating a solution.

ACTION STRATEGIES:

1) Notice if you, or the person you are in a relationship with, tends to utilize yelling or  name calling  with loud volume, or if there is a tendency to use hurtful non-verbal communication, such as sighs and eye rolls, or the use of sarcasm.

2) Notice what you feel, if you are on the receiving end of such behavior.

3) Notice what you feel if you are the person doing these behaviors. If so, notice if you feel discouraged and hopeless with this strategy.

4) Consider some healthier ways to manage your emotions, and learn to communicate using compassionate and clear solution focused methods.

 

The Decline of Integrity: Danger Cues in Relationships

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What are some cues or clues that you are involved in a relationship with someone who is “Integrity-Challenged”?

We may think of integrity as honesty and  responsibility. If you were in a store with small ceramic figurines, and you knocked one over by mistake and it broke, would you inform the store manager and offer to pay for it, or would you hide it and quickly leave the store, hoping to not “get caught”?

This is a simple exercise to evaluate if you or someone you are involved with is “Integrity- Challenged”.  I was inspired to write this today, having had an experience at a car dealership, when I discovered that a mechanic had covered up an error he made two years ago by “super-gluing” a compartment shut, rather than replace the clips that would have kept it working properly.

The advisor told me today that the car part was likely to be damaged when wrenched off to get to the bolt below, and that the dealership refused to take responsibility to replace the unit that was super-glued.

I was shocked by the lack of integrity! I  began a painful journey of speaking to supervisers and managers up the corporate ladder, to find that their response was to tell me that I could not prove that I did not give them permission to do it originally. I called the corporate office of the dealership, informing the secretary to the CEO that it would be completely illogical for me to approve “super-gluing” a compartment shut that required periodic access.

I am awaiting her response, with very low expectations of any remedy. This is too small an issue to take to small claims court, which is what the Dealership probably knows.  Their strategy is to utilize illogical responses to a logical appeal about this being their responsibility.

Does this dealerhship care about one unhappy customer? No, they are in a busy city, with no competetion.

They demonstrated  behaviors that are clues to being “Integrity-Challenged”.  They refused to admit they did anything wrong, they refused to offer any remedy, and they used verbal manipulation and lack of logic to deflect any logical reasoning.

I was astounded when they considered super-gluing a compartment that needs to be accessed as a viable “repair” attempt.

Why is this situation helpful to my readers? When involving yourselves with relationships of any kind — friend, lover, business collaboration–keep your eyes open to “mini-moments” that come through to let you know that a person may be Integrity- Challenged. If you are a person who tends to look for the best in others, you may tend to gloss over and deny the importance of behavioral cues that are a danger sign to a deficit in moral integrity.

ACTION TIPS

1)  Observe others carefully. Notice how they treat other people.

2) Become aware that how a person treats others will eventually be how they treat you.

3) Love and respect yourself enough to evaluate if this person may be a danger to your emotional or professional health and well-being.

 

 

Bodies Change With Age: Healthy Coping

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How do we emotionally cope with the sadness of growing older  when our bodies change?

This is a very common issue, yet I do not hear this topic being discussed very often. It seems to me that the culture emphasizes youthful appearance as a primary value, rather than accepting the normal aging process without intervention. Face lifts, injections, tummy tucks, hair color and many other procedures are ways to hide our normal aging process.

Every once in a while, I  notice a TV show from England, and I see actors and actressess with lines on their faces, known as wrinkles! Their complexions are far from perfect, and I sometimes exhale with a sense of gratitude, that people are being represented appropriately.

Have you watched film and TV recently, and found that actors/actresses who are above 60 years of age have faces of 30 year olds? Have you noticed the number of magazine photos that are altered?

What message does this send to us? I wonder if there is an unconscious, cultural message that the normal signs of age are to be experienced as something awful, a failure and something that needs to be changed via cosmetic or surgical interventions.

The more important issue here, in my opinion, is that many people begin to feel a sense of low self esteem, depression and self criticism when they age.

How do people cope with a cultural standard of looking young forever, which cannot be met?

ACTION TIPS:

1)Observe your “self talk”….your inner dialogue that tends to be critical.

2) Notice your emotions of sadness or anger toward yourself if you look in the mirror, and dislike what you see.

3) It is appropriate to grieve over loss of function, such as a knee problem that prevents walking upstairs, or another medical condition that causes disability or loss of prior functional ability. Acknowledge  appropriate sadness over changes in physical function, and get some professional or friend support for dealing with this sadness.

4) Become aware how much sadness and judgement you experience around issues of cosmetic things, such as wrinkles. Buffer your critical self judgement with the knowledge that the larger culture may be creating a standard that is unrealistic, made up of many people who have facelifts, injections or touched up photos.

5) Focus on the important features of you as a person, such as kindness, honesty, integrity, compassion and generosity. Give yourself lots of validation for these precious aspects of being human.

6) Seek counseling by a Licensed Mental Health Professional if you feel depressed, and cannot overcome this issue yourself.

Over-Eating and Feelings: Weight Loss Strategies

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Do you find that you over-eat when you are upset? This is a very common problem. What does “upset” really mean?

It means having feelings such as anger, sadness, fear, guilt, shame, hopelessness, helplessness, and…the list is very big.

Do you ever notice yourself over-eating, and glazed over watching TV while eating a bag of chips or pretzels, not being aware of eating 8 portions?

How do we get control of automatic over-eating?

Action Strategies:

1) If you find yourself opening the pretzel cabinet, or standing in front of the refrigerator, ask yourself, “What am I feeling now?”, and “Am I biologically hungry, or simply yearning to change my mood?”

2) Close the cabinet or refrigerator door, go to your desk in  another room, and write down an issue that is making you sad, scared or angry. Then write down all the feelings about these issues.

3) Then, close your eyes, take a deep breath, and take a few minutes to either listen to soft music, or simply let your mind wander. It also helps to give yourself positive messages of support and compassion.

4) Re-alert gently, and ask yourself, “Am I still biologically hungry?” If the answer is yes, ask yourself what type of food would nourish your body. Then, go to the kitchen, and select the healthy foods best suited to soothing your body’s needs. At this time, after relaxing and identifying your feelings, you are most likely to eat slower and make healthier selections.

 

Frustration, Grief and Stress Management

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Stress Management is a broad term. Moment to moment, we encounter inner thoughts, past memories and current environmental triggers. This article will focus on the experience of Frustration, and the feeling of Grief that often “hides below” the frustration.

What do I mean by “hides below” the feeling of frustration? This is a figure of speech, rather than a true psychological term. Have you ever been very frustrated over an issue that you cannot change or control, and then began to cry, or feel sadness?

Feelings of frustration and grief are often experienced together, but usually not at the same time. For example, if you love someone who has a destructive tendency, you may feel frustrated that you cannot change or influence that person’s behavior. If you dig a little deeper, you may find that you also are very sad, as well. Ironically, the best way to manage a feeling is to first identify it and acknowledge that it exists, rather than repress or deny it. We tend to feel sad and angry when we perceive that we have little or no control over a situation.

Helpful Strategies to Manage Frustration:

1) Become aware of the issue that bothers you, and acknowlege the feeling of frustration, and loss of control over the situation.

2) Ask yourself if you are also sad about that. If yes, take out a piece of paper and finish the sentence, “I feel sad about this situation because….”

3) Ultimately, acknowledging the feelings of both  frustration and sadness regarding a situation that you cannot change is a strategy to reduce the stressful impact of an issue that you cannot directly control. Future articles will address the Grief Process more specifically, and will describe ways to manage grief in a healthy way.