3 Strategies For Creating Deeper Relationships By Identifying Conflict Styles

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What are 3 Strategies for Creating Deeper Relationships?

1) Know your conflict style. During moments of conflict, do you tend to attack or detach? If you are in an intimate relationship, what is the conflict style of your partner? If both people tend to avoid conflict, the silent treatment may go on for a while, where issues become ignored and tend to fester.  If you both are hot reactors, there may be yelling and screaming, difficulty in impulse control, and much toxic rage without purposeful conflict resolution. If one person tends to detach, and the other tends to attack, the dynamic may be complex, with an appearance of passive aggressive behavior in response to angry attacks. With these extremes of conflict styles, the outcomes may range from challenging  to perhaps, dismal.

2) Once you evaluate your conflict style, determine who in your life you have difficulty relating to. Does that person have a similar conflict style, or a different style of handling conflict? Begin an inner journey of self discovery, identifying your thoughts and feelings during moments of conflict.

3) Develop a strategy to manage conflict. If you are a hot reactor, find some anger management techniques, and learn to communicate more softly and clearly, handling one small aspect of the conflict at a time. If you tend to avoid conflict, begin with small steps to develop courage to speak your needs. Explore the possibility that you may have “inherited”some family of origin messages about open and honest communication, and the prohibition of such communication. 

Whatever your conflict style, you can grow, stretch and learn new strategies to make relationships deeper, more meaningful, fulfilling and longer lasting.

Ask Ellen Anmuth, Psychotherapist – ABC TV’s “Shark Tank” as a Metaphor for Faith and Control

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In What Way is the ABC TV show “Shark Tank” a Metaphor for Faith and Control in Business Marketing and Development?

This series, “Ask Ellen Anmuth, Psychotherapist”, is devoted to addressing emails from readers.

SANDRA FROM INDIANA WRITES: I work in the field of spiritual coaching, and I find myself watching “Shark Tank” from a perspective of spirituality. In other words, I feel that people who come to the show have a dream that they wish to manifest. They seem to have some degree of control, but when they get into the “Shark Tank”, they do not know how the panel of “Sharks” will respond to their idea. Can you comment on the issue of control and spirituality related to business development?

ELLEN ANMUTH, PSYCHOTHERAPIST: I appreciate this very insightful question, Sandra. I think that the TV show, “Shark Tank” has become very popular because it taps into some of the core issues for individuals with a dream of building and promoting their own product or business. What does it tap into?

Perhaps the core issue is “Control”. The notion of “control” is a fascinating one to ponder, on many levels…practical business, spiritual and psychological.

On the TV show, “Shark Tank”, we have seen some people present their ideas with great confidence, only to find out that they are unprepared to answer questions about the nuts and bolts of the finances related to their product. Others come in very prepared financially, and yet seem to present with an air of arrogance that offends the “Sharks”.  When people have business dreams, what causes some deals to click, and other deals to fail?

An aspect of success in business promotion may be that subjective element of “right place, right time”,  and an aspect of the blending of personalities of the business owner and the business investor. What other elements are operating on both conscious and unconscious levels between people negotiating a business deal? What aspects of verbal and non-verbal communication contribute to outcomes? 

To what extent to we have control over a business situation, despite the best intentions to plan and prepare? To what extent do we have control over any interpersonal interaction?

Some Aspects to consider:

1) Did you ever feel totally prepared and confident, and find out that a presentation did not go your way? Did the opposite ever occur, in that when you are hardly trying at all, things click and unexpectedly positive things happen?

2) Do you believe in a spiritual component to business?

3) Do you believe in fate, in that if one door closes, it is because something better is around the corner?  I appreciate any comments on the topic of spirituality, control and business outcomes.

Ask Ellen Anmuth, Psychotherapist: How Can I Lose Weight, Even Though I Travel?

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This article series deals with email questions sent from readers. Gary from Boston travels regularly for business, and is gaining weight. He writes:

Gary: I travel at least 4 days per week for business, and stay at different hotels each night. In the last 2 years, I have gained about 25 pounds. I find myself alone in the hotel room after 8 PM, eating junk food while I watch TV. Do you have any advice?

Ellen Anmuth, Licensed Psychotherapist:  Traveling for business can be stressful. You write that you are eating junk food at night when you are alone in the hotel room.  Some people reach for food when they feel lonely. If you are eating out of a feeling of loneliness, perhaps you could find ways to manage those feelings that do not include food. How about calling some friends when you are alone in the room?   I am assuming you have already had dinner, and you are eating out of emotional hunger, rather than biological hunger.

If you are over-eating to calm anxiety, perhaps getting in touch with what is creating the feelings of anxiety could be helpful. Once you identify what is causing the stress, you could develop an action plan to reduce the anxiety.  

Finally, perhaps you could bring in some low calorie snacks into your room that give a crunch, such as celery or carrots, if you enjoy crunching. Keeping an apple or orange in the room is also helpful, and lower in calories than the candy bars or other junk food you are alluding to.

Although you did not mention food selections at restaurants, there are things you can do when you eat out that can lower calorie intake. For example, baked foods are less calories than fried foods. Given an option, ask for side orders of salads and steamed vegetables, which are very filling. Try to limit the amount of salad dressings and high calorie desserts.  Hope this is helpful, Gary.

 

Ellen Anmuth Psychotherapist: “The Language of Solutions” for Coping with Change

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What is “The Language Of Solutions”, and How Can It Be Used For Coping With Change?

“The Language of Solutions” is an educational wellness program, taught as a  private “Tele-Training” using a 40 page workbook and 6 hours of private telephone instruction. The core teaching is a unique 4-Step Method in the form of a flow chart. The 3rd step is a system within the 4-Step Method which teaches people how to manage emotions for many purposes: Communication and conflict resolution, improved relationships, weight loss, anger management, stress management, grief and bereavement and other wellness purposes.

This article will focus on how to use “The Language Of Solutions” for Coping with Change. When we are involved with change, there will likely be feelings of anxiety or sadness, even with change for the positive. By definition, CHANGE usually involves the loss of many things, and the addition of many things.

Even in a welcomed change, there may be a grieving process, because we are saying goodbye to the known. For example, if you live in New York, and are offered a desired new job in San Francisco, this type of change will likely bring up feelings of both happiness and sadness. You will probably be saying goodbye to friends and people you know in one city to begin a new life. Whatever the scenario, change brings up feelings, be it large and obvious, or small and symbolic.

Action Tips:

1) Notice what you are feeling.

2) Write in a journal, noting all feelings from happy and positive, to fearful and sad.  Become aware if there are any trigger events that occur to cause these feelings. A trigger event can be an external event or an internal event, such as a flashback or an “inner dialogue”.

3) Notice if you allow yourself to feel the feelings without criticism or judgement. Then, see if you can analyze the trigger events. Sometimes we have thought patterns and beliefs that may cause us to feel worse.

4) If you are self critical, allow yourself a new possibility to acknowledge that feelings are normal. We often feel more stressed when we try to change feelings. When we acknowledge and allow feelings, they tend to release.

5) If you are filled with sadness or anxiety that you cannot reduce on your own, contact a licensed psychotherapist to help during this transition.

6) In addition, “The Language Of Solutions” Self Improvement and Wellness Programs 4-Step Method Training Program can provide a self help strategy as a stand alone course, or in conjunction with the help of a licensed psychotherapist.

 

 

Ellen Anmuth, Psychotherapist: Find A Child’s Joy in Adulthood

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 How can we, as adults, feel the joy of children more often?

Yesterday, I was in a few different stores, and I noticed children beaming at me and smiling. These kids were likely under 5 years old. One child was actually walking backward quickly, trying to keep up with the large stride of his mother, grinning ear to ear while “speed- walking backward”.

Another child, in a food store, seemed to have a sling on her arm. From a distance, I glanced and perceived that she had hurt herself. As I got closer to her (at Whole Foods Market, produce department), I smiled and asked, “How did you hurt yourself?” She beamed back with a big smile, and said, “I am not hurt, I am just pretending”.  Then I noticed that her “sling” around her arm was actually a plastic bag from the produce department that she fabricated as a pretend sling.

She skipped away with her siblings and mom, having played “doctor” in that moment, creatively taking a prop, using a plastic bag that could hold apples or bananas, turning it into a joyful game in the moment.

Yes…joy in the moment. Do you recall a time when a moment could be joyful, in the most mundane of circumstances?

Today I need to drive about 20 miles north. It is sunny and beautiful, and I live a mile from the ocean. Rather than drive quickly up the highway, I plan to bring lots of my favorite music CD’s, and take a slow and beautiful ride up “A1A”, the scenic drive by the water. Yes, that will bring me lots of joy in each moment. The drive will take twice as long, and bring me much more joy in the moment.

ACTION QUESTION: What can you do each day to minimize your world of adult worries, live in the moment, feel more peace and celebrate simple joys?

Ellen Anmuth Commentary– ABC’s “Shark Tank”: Dreams, Compassion and Power

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How is the ABC TV Show “Shark Tank” and interesting study of the human condition, relative to hopes/dreams, kindness, compassion, mentoring, helplessness, and power/control issues?

As a Licensed Psychotherapist, I find myself watching the ABC TV show, “Shark Tank” from many different perspectives: (1) From the point of view of an inventor and business person, as I have had my own business, (2) From the perspective of the creative process of business owners, and their anxiety/hopes to have investment support from the Sharks to manifest their dreams, and (3) From the perspective of the Sharks themselves…their business persona and their humanity.

This article will touch upon with the dynamics of power and control — the interpersonal dance between the “inventor/small business person” and the “Shark”, the self made millionaire or billionaire — relative to kindness, compassion, mentoring and the love of helping others.

I am fascinated to observe the behavior and personalities of the “Sharks”, relative to their empathy and compassion. While one “Shark” has the persona of cruelty (I suspect a staged character for the show), the others tend to differ in their “empathy meter”, metaphorically speaking, from moment to moment.

I surmise that a “Shark’s” empathy level is partly dependent on a business strategy related to simply making money and getting the best deal, and partly related to their personal identification with the business inventor seeking a deal. At times, you see their hearts open, and their tenderness emerge.

I am fascinated during those moments where the “Shark” seems to release their persona as the tough business person, and seems to morph into a kindly philanthropic mentor.

During these moments, the hard edge of the Shark seems to shift into more of a loving persona, as if the “Shark” becomes more of a kind mentor/helper. I grew up with a TV show called “The Millionaire“, where money was given to deserving people with a charitable motivation. During those moments of connection, I feel the Shark’s intention to help may be greater than their own desire to make money. When someone is a mentor, they gain pleasure in guiding the student.

I so enjoy those moments of kindness, love and compassion, where a “Shark” reveals his or her humanity, and morphs from a Shark to a philanthropic persona. Sure, they will make money, but the intention to support and nurture seems to take a more primary role. You see, these “Sharks” get so much more than money…they get the joy of helping another person to manifest their dreams. I bet that is more important to them, on the deepest level.

ACTION SUGGESTION:

Think of your own life….when have you been the philanthropic support of someone else, to nurture and support another person to attain his/her dreams?Think about what you can give…You have a talent or gift to share with another!

Ellen Anmuth Commentary

Ellen Anmuth Film Review: “Field of Dreams” and the Law of Attraction

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Ellen Anmuth Film ReviewOPTIMISM, HOPE AND THE FILM, “FIELD OF DREAMS”– A NEW LOOK AT  THE LAW OF ATTRACTION……

According to Wikipedia, “Field of Dreams” is a 1989 American fantasy-drama  starring Kevin Costner, James Earl Jones, Amy Madigan, Ray Liotta, Burt Lancaster and other talented actors. A famous line from the film is “If you build it, he will come”.

When I first watched this movie, I had never heard of “The Law of Attraction”, which has been defined as the belief that like attracts like, and by focusing on positive thoughts, one can attract positive things. Others have added that thoughts alone will not attract positive things into our lives. We must  also do the necessary actions to assist in our manifesting our desires.

How is this film “good medicine” for our lives? Today the Dow hit an all time high. People feel optimistic about the stock market…for this moment in time. There is no guarantee of continued increase in the stock market without some pullbacks. Ah…a metaphor for life? The stock market is higher since its inception, but always with ups and downs.

How do we stay calm and optimistic through life’s inevitable ups and downs?

1) Perhaps watch “Field of Dreams” again for a dose of good feelings. The character, played by Kevin Costner, did actions he believed in, even when others could not see or embrace his visions (pun intended!!)

2) Think of what you would like to create in your life…better health, more love, increase in financial security? Write a journal of your goals.

3) Write down the action steps under each goal.

4) Every day, do at least one action step toward the goal.

5) Keep a journal of your feelings. If you feel sad, fearful or pessimistic, write the feelings down and the date.

6) Do the action steps to address each fear or concern. If you have business concerns, call the local college business school or free resources, like the SBA or SCORE. Ask for help from others, take walks, meditate, listen to music, or do other activities that help your creativity.

7) If you have an issue with love or relationships, perhaps you can call a licensed therapist to explore your issues and get some help.

8) Be open to coincidences and synchronicity. In the film, Kevin Costner’s character went on a roller coaster ride of despair to hope, and found great love, meaning and fulfillment. Yes, watch this film again for inspiration, and enjoy!

Ellen Anmuth Film Review

 

Self Hypnosis: Reduce Headaches Using Visualization

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How Can Self-Hypnosis Reduce Headaches?

As a Licensed Psychotherapist, I trained in clinical hypnosis. Hypnosis can be thought of as a “coned down” focus of attention, using the metaphor of an ice cream cone which tapers down to a smaller point from a larger area where the ice cream sits.

For example, if your mind is thinking about your job, your lunch, economics, your family and friends, that would be an example of large focus of attention. To “cone it down”, you might take a deep breath in, and visualize a scene that brings you a feeling of comfort and safety. For some people, it may be a beach scene, for others it may be a picture of an afternoon with their family at home or at a park. Whatever it is for you, visualize it, taking in as many senses as possible, such as the visual images, any sounds, smells, tastes or sensations of touch, such as the warm sun against your skin.

There are a number of types of headaches, and the technique I will describe here will not work for all headaches. As always, check with your doctor. Here is a simple technique: After you guide yourself (called “Self Hypnosis”) to a comforting visualization, as I describe above, then shift your focus of attention to your headache. Think of this as a sensation, rather than as pain.

At this point, the headache may already be reduced. To reduce it further, allow your mind to visualize the headache to the best of your ability. Some people see their headache like a black boulder, some see it as a tight strap, like a belt around their forehead, or any number of other colors or images.

Ask yourself what is the shape and color of the discomfort in your head. Allow whatever image you visualize to be acceptable. There is a theory that “what we resist, persists.” By visualizing, or feeling the headache without trying to change or control it, you may find that it shifts and changes on its own, eventually and in a short time, going away completely. Ask yourself periodically, “What does the discomfort look or feel like, now?” Allow a few moments to go by, and ask yourself that question again.

It is helpful if you rate your headache on a scale of 1-10 before you begin the exercise, and rate it again after you re-alert yourself from the visualization. When you re-alert, always alert gently and slowly.

I would appreciate any replies to this blog article, letting me know how it works for you. Again, please see your doctor for any severe or persistent headache.

Ellen Anmuth Film Review – A Spiritual Perspective on Grief and Death in “Heart and Souls”

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According to Wikipedia,  “Heart and Souls is a 1993 fantasy/ comedy film about four deceased people who are trapped on earth and can only be seen by a single living human being who is recruited to help them take care of unfinished business.”

“Heart and Souls” has a very strong cast of talented actors such as Robert Downey, Jr., Charles Grodin, Alfre Woodard, Kyra Sedgwick, Elisabeth Shue, Tom Sizemore and David Paymer. With the added plus of a catchy musical score, this film  transports the viewer through many emotions from uplifting optimism to tearful sentimentality, without being over the top.

There has been documented research on “near death experiences”, where people who have been pronounced clinically dead have “come back” to describe conversations that took place in rooms other than the operating room where they were, with the theory that they left their bodies while in surgery, and visited other rooms in the hospital.

Survivors of this “near death experience” tend to have similar stories of being told that it was “not their time” and they returned to their bodies (see the research of Dr. Raymond Moody).

This film very sweetly tells the story of 4 people who died in a bus crash, and had unfinished business on earth, which they completed with the help of the Robert Downey, Jr. character named Thomas.

Why did this film grab my attention? As a Licensed Psychotherapist specializing in Grief and Bereavement Counseling, I watched it last week again, and experienced it from a different perspective. For many grieving people, the possibility that their loved one is still  nearby in spirit can create comfort. Some grieving people actually report evidence that their deceased loved ones are communicating with them.

On a more concrete level, if the movie viewer has no belief in the afterlife and the continuation of the soul, this film can deliver an inspirational message about the power of love. 

I recommend this film, both as “feel-good escapism” or as deeper spiritual inspiration and comfort for people who are grieving the death of a loved one.

Ellen Anmuth Film Review

The Death of a Friend: A Journey with a Unique Footprint

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the death of a friend Ellen AnmuthWhy is Coping With the Death of a Friend a Difficult Journey with a Unique Footprint?

I planned to write an article about coping with the death of a friend in a few weeks, but when I went on Facebook tonight, and  saw posts from Dr. Christiane Northrup, MD/Gynecologist, and Cheryl Richardson, Life Coach and author, I was inspired to write this now.  Debbie Ford, age 57, a close friend of Cheryl Richardson’s, just died of cancer. The outpouring of support for Cheryl on Facebook was very loving and supportive.

There are so many dynamics and elements of friendships, and I have theorized that the journey of grief after the death of a friend “unfolds”  in a unique way which parallels aspects, dynamics and elements of that friendship.

Unlike the bond of family members, spouses, or significant other romantic partnerships, a friendship is held together by a very special type of “glue”.

The friendship bond is 100% voluntary.Friends can walk away any time. When a friendship sustains, it is a powerful connection. A friend can be a mirror of parts of ourselves, and a living diary of our life experiences. In a healthy friendship, the support and love can provide a lifetime source of continuity. In an unhealthy, or turbulent relationship, the death of a friend can be very complicated, and filled with guilt or torment.

Yes, the death of a friend involves a complex journey of healing, with a very unique footprint. The adaptive tasks of dealing with the death of a friend can be overwhelming. Here are a few suggestions to help:

1) Cry. Allow yourself to release the grief. The friendship attachment can be very strong, and the dis-attachment can be so very painful.

2) If you are angry, acknowledge that emotion. Perhaps talking it out or writing in a journal can be of help.

3) Acknowledge any guilt or regret, and seek the help of a licensed mental health professional if you feel unable to work it through yourself.

4) As a Licensed Psychotherapist, and Grief and Bereavement Therapist, I noticed the absence of support groups in my area for the death of a friend.  I wrote an article a few weeks ago, directed toward Licensed Psychotherapists, asking them to organize support groups for the death of a friend. In my opinion, people grieving the death of a friend do not fit in with support groups for the death of a spouse, the death of a child, or for the death of a marriage. The adaptive tasks of grieving are very different. It feels to me as if society is denying the value and importance of the friendship bond, because there are little to no services to support grieving friends.  IF YOU CANNOT FIND A SUPPORT GROUP FOR THE DEATH OF A FRIEND, PERHAPS YOU CAN NOTIFY THE MENTAL HEALTH ASSOCIATIONS IN YOUR AREA, and get the professionals on board!

5) Please respond to this blog. Perhaps we can get a conversation started here about the complex challenges in dealing with the death of a friend, and offer helpful strategies.